Reverb10 - Core Story

December 31 – Core Story What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world?

To look at my responses to the Reverb10 prompts this month, it would appear that my health (or lack thereof) is an all-consuming element of my life, but it's not. I also seem a little concerned about The Stuff that takes up so much physical and mental space in my life, but that's not it, either.

It all comes down to Max.

Everything I do or don't do is about setting the best possible example for him. It's about making the best decisions based on his needs. From what I eat for lunch while running errands (fast food or a sandwich?), to how Jamie and I interact with each other and the people we encounter in the world. From the way I treat animals to what I listen to on the radio when we're in the car.

It all comes down to Max.

I firmly believe that we aren't raising children, we're raising adults. He'll be a child no matter what... kids do what they do, it's part of their charm. It's what he grow up into that I'm worried about; it's the kind of man he becomes that I need to concern myself with. It's just like choosing a name when you're pregnant; the experts say "Name the [future] adult, not the [present day] baby." (Example: Pixie Junebug, while an adorable name, might find herself not taken seriously if she ever wants to run for office)

I never thought I'd be the kind of woman who would say that her "core story" is her child. When I was in high school, I had plans... for a wonderfully fulfilling career, writing the Great American Novel, having a life-changing impact on people I encountered... all of these grandiose plans I had to change the world. To make my mark.

My mark, I now believe, is Max. He will do amazing things in this world, I just know it. And my role in it, now and as long as I live, is to guide and instruct him and help him become the very best man he is capable of being.

From The Star Thrower by anthropologist and writer, Loren Eiseley (1907-1977)

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out, "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied, "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they will die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."

Max is my starfish.

Revreb10 - Gift

December 30 – Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

Hmm... let's see... I got a new waffle iron from my mother-in-law... that was pretty cool.

But really? Look here, here, here, here, here, and here to see where I've written about the most amazing gift I received this year, tangible AND emotional. (It's two! Two! Two gifts in one!) Want more? Here: Read this or this.

I ran out of words to express my thanks and appreciation a long time ago. It seems silly to keep trying... like trying to relocate the ocean with a teaspoon.

But seriously? That waffle iron is pretty awesome. *wink*

Reverb10 - Defining Moment

December 29 – Defining Moment Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

(I feel like I've answered this prompt a dozen times already.)

The series of events in 2010:

• Tim offers to be tested to give me a kidney (Seriously?)
  
• I have the application mailed to him directly from my transplant center, and block it out of my mind. (Don't want to dwell on the potential disappointment)
  
• I get a call that he's a good match, and that I need to get some updated testing. (EKG, Chest X-Ray, TB Test, blah blah blah)
  
• We schedule surgery for July 22 (OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG.)
• I get sick on July 6. (Happy freakin' birthday to me, right?)
  
• Transplant postponed for 9 weeks; we reschedule for Sept. 14 (6 weeks after finishing antibiotics)
  
• Surgery is a massive success! (WOO HOO! I gotta pee!)
  
• I spend 3 months at home, recovering (Love the time at home with Max)
  
• Life is good. (Every day is a gift)
  

Reverb10 - Achieve

December 28 – Achieve What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

I want to achieve forward motion in 2011... I'm sick of being stagnant.

There are several elements to this aspiration, but if all of the parts are successfully completed, I hope to be content and more comfortable in my skin... myself.

Ten Things to Think or Do:

1. Do: Lighten the load. Get rid of The Stuff (Here it is *again* Sensing a theme here?)
2. Think: It's worth it.
3. Do: Put one foot in front of the other. Keep going.
4. Think: I'm worth more than this. I deserve better.
5. Do: Keep looking. It's out there somewhere.
6. Think: Set a good example for Max. That's what matters most.
7. Do: Commit to it. Stop hemming and hawing and sign the dotted line. Commit.
8. Think: It doesn't matter in the long run.
   
9. Do: Write. Often. Blogging or otherwise. Just string the words together and write.
   
10. Think: I'm incredibly blessed and need to remember that *always*
    

Reverb10 - Ordinary Joy

December 27 – Ordinary Joy Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

I can't choose one.
Like I find myself saying so often, I have a 2.5 year old son... my life is *filled* with moments of ordinary joy, and I'm thankful that I've gotten to where I can realize and appreciate them as they happen.
Max really started talking this year; the transition from "Wuv-oo" in response to my telling him I love him, to the current, which involves him putting his little hands on both sides of my face, looking into my eyes and saying "I love you, Mommy, sooooo much! You're the best mommy ever!" followed by a sweet kiss... that's more than ordinary joy.
In my book, that's pretty stinkin' extraordinary.

This blog entry documents just some of the moments... so does this one, this one, this one and this one. All of these things are just some of the "ordinary moments" that stole my heart this year.

Reverb10 - Holiday Weekend Catch-Up

December 24 – Everything’s OK
What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?
When you have a kidney transplant, they give you massive doses of steroids in the days following surgery. If you aren't familiar with the wonder drug that is prednisone, it's miserable to be on, but does amazing things. It's a powerful anti-inflammatory that most asthmatics, arthritis sufferers and various others are very familiar with. The side effects can cause manic behavior in people (2am emergency vacuuming scenarios, anyone?), swelling in the face (called moon face) and it increases your appetite to a ridiculous level (and then makes it harder to lose the weight you've gained. Double whammy!) It really is a miserable medication, but it does amazing things, and it's saved my life on more than one occasion, so I take my pill and smile.
The first day after surgery, I got an infusion of 500mg of the stuff. It. Made. Me. Insane. Seriously; yelling at my nurses one moment, weeping uncontrollably the next sort of insane. I sat there on my hospital bed, in pain, crying hysterically, with my nurse asking me what was wrong, and my rational self was in there saying "You have nothing to be upset about! It's just cold toast! Don't eat it! You'll survive!" And yet I couldn't make my mouth form the words "I'm fine. I just need a minute" I just cried harder.
I told you it was awful! I was convinced I'd never be normal again, that I'd always be in that much pain, and that having the surgery was the worst thing I'd ever done (And mind you, I'd had a transplant in 2004; I'd been through all of this before!)
The next day, I only got 250mg, and 125 the day after that, so really that first day was the very worst. My surgery was on Monday, and went home on Thursday.
I spent that morning making sure all of my stuff was packed, my vase of flowers not overly filled with water, since I'd be holding it on my lap for the drive home, and waiting. Sitting there, watching one of my three available TV channels, waiting for Jamie to come rescue me from this place and take me home. My knight in shining armor.
I didn't know I'd have two of them!
I heard them before I saw them; Max's usual 2-year old babble, and Jamie making that random conversation one does when entertaining said 2-year old. "Yes, that lady's wearing blue! Oh yeah, I do see black shoes!" That sort of thing.
As they made their way down the hall towards my room, it dawned on me.
*This* was the first day of the rest of my life. My boys were here with me, ready to take me home.
Everything would be OK.

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself
Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.
OMG, this might be the toughest prompt for me yet! I'm always taking pictures, and this year, I've taken even more than usual! In October, I decided to put more conscious effort into improving my photography, so I started a new blog and started actually trying to *learn* instead of just filling my memory cards with Auto-mode snapshots.
Since October, when I changed the file naming method on my camera, I've taken 2,579 photos, and that was before this Christmas weekend!
So I'm cheating. I'm posting 2 pictures. (I'm a rebel like that)
This is an outtake from our Christmas card shoot, back in November, and I adore it! It was taken by a friend of mine, aka Zemya Photography. I had designed a logo for her earlier in the year, so this shoot was my payment; the fact that she took a break from her maternity leave to do this for us really meant a lot, and I am thrilled with how the shots turned out! I love this picture because it really captures us as a family; we don't need much to entertain us, and we spend a LOT of time laughing together.
(ETA: Wanna see the finished card?)
And a new one, from yesterday (obviously!) My favorite kind of chaos. A warm toasty room, with the cold morning outside the window. Max is banging away on the "pinano," serenading us with Twinkle Twinkle. Amelia's knitting on the couch, Jamie, Lucinda and Ed are futzing in the kitchen, and I'm just sitting with my feet up, taking it all in. This is pretty close to a perfect day for me.

December 26 – Soul Food
What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?
I don't eat to feed my soul. I eat to fuel my body, to allow me to go out and *do* the things that feed my soul. Now, don't get me wrong, I love a perfectly cooked steak or a warm from the oven chocolate chip cookie, but I'm by no means a "foodie" and I'm not a very adventurous eater.
We had an amazing standing rib roast, with gravy and horseradish sauce, popovers and brussel sprouts at my in-law's yesterday. It was an amazing meal. But the food isn't what I'll remember. It's how we ended up telling dirty jokes afterwards (to his PARENTS?!?!) It's Max signing the tablecloth for the first time (A family tradition; every Christmas, all the guests sign the tablecloth... it's gorgeous and I love it!) It's Max's first Christmas popper, and the usual reading of names on the tablecloth and remembering those people from holidays past. The food was there, and it was good, but it wasn't what fed my soul.

Reverb10 - New Name

December 23 – New Name Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?


This actually could have been my name; my mom has always told me that she loved the name "Sayard" although she doesn't remember where she first heard it ("Maybe a book, or I heard it on TV" she says) and ever since high school, when I wanted to be an English teach who wrote amazing novels on the weekends and summer vacations, my nom de plume has been Sayard Morgan.
Sayard, my almost name and Morgan, my middle name and one that represents several generations of family.

Reverb10 has done a lot to make me feel, once again, more like a writer, and so I am choosing to take on my alter ego author name for this day.

Reverb10 - Travel

December 22 – Travel How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

In 2010, I travelled heavily burdened. While I was on dialysis, every 24 hours I was gone required two large (7"x19"x14"), heavy (25 lbs) boxes of dialysis solution, plus the required supplies. That's not to say it kept me from travelling, but it certainly limited it! I couldn't travel out of the country unless I wanted to pay "retail" for my supplies, so it was visits to family and short camping trips only.
I'd much rather look to future trips! In the rest of our lives, we're looking forward to Max's first trip to Disney, to Jamie's first cruise, another trip to Europe... the list of places I want or hope to see is pretty close to endless.

This was a year spent close to home; I'm looking forward to those spent roaming far!

Reverb10 - Future Self

December 21 – Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

Dear 2015 Version of Me,
Did the five years go as quickly as I think they will? As fast as the last 2.5?
I hope that things have turned out as we planned. It seems like we spend a lot of time talking about "in five or so years," so I can only hope that those things have worked or on their way to working out.
Don't be afraid to take risks; you're going to get trapped and be miserable if you don't make some changes... or, I'm hoping that those chances have already been taken, those leaps made, to smashing success. If not, I hope I have learned from the crashing failures, moved on, and am ready to jump again.
Five years is only a breath in this life... stop waiting and take steps now. Today.
With love,
2010 Lizz
PS: Follow up with UCSF and see how that implantable kidney thing is working out; the last article I read said that clinical trials should start in 5 to 7 years... hopefully there are still a bunch of years left on Tim's amazing gift, but just in case, get on the list for the implant thing if you can!


Dear December 2000 version of me,
Call your doctor NOW. Don't let them drag this out any more. You feel like crap, stop letting them put you off. There will be LIFELONG ramifications if you don't start speaking up now. This not feeling well is SO. MUCH. MORE. than a cold or even pneumonia. Don't let them take their time figuring out what's wrong. Speak up, be the squeaky wheel, go up the ladder if you need to.
Your life is is at stake.
Take care of yourself.
With love,
2010 Lizz

PS: DO NOT skip Austin's housewarming party next December! You'll bump into Jamie again, from high school. Trust me.

Reverb10 - Beyond Avoidance

December 20 – Beyond Avoidance What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

I'm starting to feel like I only write about the same 3 things; my transplant, Max, and the amount of physical crap (The Stuff) in my life. Like so many other years, I should have purged Stuff in 2010. I can verge on a hoarder mentality; the difference between me and the people on A&E is that I *know* that I have this tendency and do what I can to prevent it from getting totally out of control.

An example: We went to a gift exchange Christmas party last night, and a friend of ours "won" a light up crystal thing. (Thing is the only word I can use to describe it.) It involves a base that gets plugged in (or takes batteries) and has LED lights in it that then shine through a chunk of clear crystal you place on top. It was a regift from a friend's since failed marriage a number of years ago, and Max was totally fascinated by it. The girl that received it in the exchange told Max he could have it, and I suddenly worried. I knew that if it came into our house, it wouldn't leave. I'm unable to throw things away that I think still have some use or value, even if not to me. I wouldn't have been able to toss that piece of crap, because *someone* *somewhere* might want or need it, and if I toss it, I won't have it to give them in their hour of need! I know it's crazy, I know it doesn't make sense, and yet...

I don't know exactly why I don't do The Big Clean Out. I'd rather play around on the computer or watch TV (that damned Law and Order again!) and I just don't get around to it. I go in fits and spurts; I clean out a closet and get all proud, but within weeks it's jammed full again. I really admire the whole minimalist movement and those who can practicw it; small homes, limited clothing choices, rooms that don't have every corner jammed with Stuff... I just can't seem to make it happen in my own home.

We're making changes in 2011, some of which will REQUIRE The Big Clean Out to happen, so I'm starting it now. Baby steps, right?

PS: The shiny crystal piece of junk did NOT come home with us! It ended up going home with someone else, after a twist in the gift exchange game. We did, however come home with a (much needed, actually!) cupcake caddy and a set of four little fruit shaped dishes that I'll now have to hold onto until garage sale season next summer. Unless someone wants 'em! *hint hint*

Reverb 10 - Healing

December 19 – Healing What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

I feel like this one should write itself, because I had such a (literally) healing year, but I'm having trouble. My transplant in September was the single event that healed more than just my body.

The whole year led up to it; Tim started the testing process right around the holidays *last* year, so it (thinking about, preparing for, recovering from "it") really was part of us for most of the year, and now I step into the post-transplant part of my life.

Life on dialysis is like functioning at 90% all of the time. I didn't always realize it, but looking back now, I realize it's true. Even your best days aren't as good as a "normal" best day. I've often said it's "like that Clartitin commercial" where it's all faded, and looks fine at first, until they peel away the haze and you realize how bright the colors are really supposed to be.



Having a new chunk of flesh surgically implanted in your body hurts; but it heals. I've long passed that part of my recovery, and now I need to move on to the next phase... I need to stop thinking of myself as "sick" and not let that hold me back from things I want to do.

And I'm getting there, day by day. It's a process that I'm sure will continue well into 2011.

Reverb10 - Try

December 18 – Try What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

There are things I *say* I'd like to try... skydiving, bungee jumping... but when it comes down to it, I think I'd either wimp out or do it buy not enjoy it. When I think about things I want to try, I keep coming back to baking.

I love to bake. (Hate cooking, love baking.)

I want to try making something beyond cakes and cookies; I'm thinking baklava (I've never done anything with phyllo or anything similar) or macarons. Real frenchie ones, not those coconut atrocities. I see lots of delicious looking desserts on blogs, I watched Top Chef Just Desserts religiously... I'd love to try some more complicated recipes in 2011.

As for what I tried in 2010? Nothing. It was absolutely a "Play it Safe" kind of year; nothing to get in the way of my surgery.
Oh! Except mushrooms. I tried those this year. Not as gross as I thought.

Reverb10 - Lesson Learned

December 17 – Lesson Learned What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

Learned about myself:

• I don't necessarily hate mushrooms! [Proof]
• I *can* pull off skinny jeans
• I love Max more with each passing day, which I never would have thought possible 2 years ago.
  
• I'm so proud of the things he accomplishes now (identifying letters and singing new songs) that I'm not sure how I (or my heart!) will handle it when he starts accomplishing *really* amazing things.
• I'm pretty freaking (emotionally) strong.
  
• What's best for my family might not be what I want, but it's what we have to do.
• My in-laws have raised a collection of wonderful men, and if Max turns out even close to the same, I'll consider my mothering a success.
  

I've also learned that:

• People (in general) are kinder and more generous than we (in general) give them credit for.
• And the opposite is true.
  

Reverb10 - Friendship

December 16 – Friendship How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

I thought that making friends was a skill I'd lost somewhere after high school... it had fallen by the wayside, and while I kept in touch with quite a few people from my school days, making new friends was proving challenging.
After Max was born, I was desperate for some "Mommy friends" and in an effort to gain some, I joined a message board aimed at local moms... I had only moderate success in really clicking with anyone beyond "Hey! A bunch of us are taking the kids to the park! Everyone's invited!" sort of things. But this particular group of women has been chatting together since before they were married; their interactions are a tough nut to crack, so I kind of stepped back and stopped trying quite so hard. There are still more than a few women I've met on there who I like quite a lot, and who I've had perfectly fine conversations with, at various playdates and GNOs.

But really, I've only made one real friend. (Well, 2, but the other one lives in Sacramento, so she doesn't really "work" for the purposes of this post! LOL)

Only one person who emails or texts me, asking if I want to grab a of coffee on a dreary Saturday morning.
Who drove 30 miles from her house to visit me in the hospital in July and make me laugh through my pain, thanks to her Jacob (from Twilight) action figure.
She gets my jokes, my snark and my infatuation with young adult literature.
She acknowledges that my kid is cuter than hers. (OK, not really, but I wanted to make sure you're still reading!)

This year, she has shown me that I can still make friends, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Reverb10 - 5 Minutes

December 15 – 5 Minutes Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

I don't want to waste any of my five minutes with typing. I'll instead spend my five minutes giving thanks for photography and my camera, and share with you a few of my favorites from 2010.

Reverb10 - Appreciate

December 14 – Appreciate What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

How do you thank a man who gives you your life back? Seriously. Someone who, quite literally, gives you the gift of life. (I'm taking suggestions.)
The thing I have come to appreciate most this year is family. Beyond our little unit; beyond the people I shared a house with.
When I went back on dialysis in late 2008, I was prepared for the long wait, the 7-9 years my transplant hospital tells people to expect, for a donor to come available; the time it takes for it to be your "turn"
My mom had already donated to me in 2004; that was the kidney that failed. My dad has hypertension, and my sister had been eliminated for other reasons back the first time around. I wasn't willing to have Jamie be tested; now that Max is in the picture, I simply wasn't comfortable with both us being in surgery (with all the risks that entails) at the same time.

And then Tim stepped up.


Tim is Jamie's older brother, a man I had spent time with on only a handful of occasions, and here he was, offering to be tested. I asked UCSF to send him the packet of information, and then filed it in the back of my mind. I didn't want to dwell too much on it; if it didn't work out, for whatever reason, the less vested in it I was, the less pain I'd have to work through later. So I basically blocked it out.

Anyone who has read anything on my blog knows that I blocked it out for no reason; my proverbial eggs in that basket have all hatched and are now placed in my abdomen. (OK. That analogy veered totally out of control. I apologize for that!)

So Tim is my donor, and surgery is scheduled for July 22, 2010. Then I got sick and surgery had to be postponed; eight weeks minimum. Tim had already made arrangements with his work for leave, his teenaged daughters were getting used to the idea, and he would be home recovering during their summer vacation... it was basically a gigantic cluster-eff that screwed everyone up. I felt awful, and could just imagine getting a phone call that it wasn't going to work out after all.

So here I am, getting ready to go back to work tomorrow, after three months off, and I *still* don't know how to thank him enough. I've got ideas, but most of them involve being independently wealthy, which I certainly am not. I've asked various celebrities (mostly Oprah and Ellen) to help me do something big, but to no avail. He is in my thoughts always, his sacrifice and his gift is with me, literally and figuratively, every moment. And yet I am still at a loss to say Thank You.

Reverb10 - Action

December 13 – Action When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

My initial response to this prompt goes back to my cryptic Wisdom post from the other day. There are several mini-steps that we need to take before the final one, so we're working on those slowly and surely.

On a smaller scale, something I've long aspired to is to document the stories that go with all of our meaningful Christmas ornaments, so I've been working on that this evening. The first step is taking the pictures (in progress) then I need to post-process them, and then create a digital template for the photo and the story. My plan as of now is to put each ornament and story on its own 4x6 page, and then I'll get them printed and stick 'em in a dedicated album... I actually started taking the pictures a couple of hours ago, before I knew the prompt, so it seems especially apt.
Here's a sneak peek of my pics! This is Cinderella, the ugliest ornament ever! It was the first year my mom let me choose my own ornament, and this is what I went with... apparently she didn't just lose her crystal slipper, but her foot with it!

Reverb10 - Body Integration

December 12 – Body Integration This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

I've never understood people who say that they were in so much pain they wished they were dead. It's just not a sentiment I understand, and in 2010 I spent some time in more pain that I thought possible.
In early July, I was diagnosed with peritonitis, an infection and inflammation of the lining of the abdominal cavity, and one of the more common complications of peritoneal dialysis.
Within a matter of hours, I went from feeling a little "off" to my entire physical self feeling like it was on fire; I was aware of every cell of my being, and every movement, things as small as breathing, set the pain off again, coursing through my body.
There wasn't a mind and body, because my whole mind was consumed by the pain; I was convinced it would never end, and it seemed like an eternity (It was actually about 3 days)
I know now that I am able to handle more than I would have thought; surgical pain I can handle; the medications always help, but this time, even the massive doses of painkillers couldn't touch this pain.
My feeling of the pain fades with time, but the memory of it reminds me always.

Reverb10 - 11 Things

December 11 – 11 Things What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

Once again, I'm so very tempted to take the sarcastic route. "1. Used coffee grounds 2. Holey socks..." but I won't.

Eleven things my life doesn't need in 2011?

1. Dialysis
Just because it's the most obvious one, doesn't mean I'm not going to include it! LOL

2. Clutter (aka "Stuff")
I spent eight years living in apartments before we moved into this house; I moved annually for those eight years, so I always managed to (kinda) keep the accumulation of crap under control. We've been here for six years now, and it shows. We have too much STUFF. Overflowing bookshelves, kitchen cabinets that won't close, piles of paper shoved in drawers (out of sight, out of mind!) It's frustrating, because I'm fully aware that the state of our house impacts my stress level; I'm a happier person when I know the house is "done," yet actually getting off the couch remains an ongoing challenge. We've started baby steps to reduce the clutter, but it's hard to remain motivated when you just don't see dramatic results right away. I think I need to watch more Hoarders. That *always* motivates me to purge.

3. Saying Yes
I'm pretty much incapable of saying no, unless I have what I consider a "good enough excuse. In my mind, if someone asks me to babysit, just not wanting to isn't a good enough reason, and I feel like I have to have a specific reason to say no. Previous plans, not feeling well, the crock pot already working on dinner... I need to work on saying more "No" and not letting myself be bullied into doing things.

4. Meat every night with dinner
We had talked about adopting Meat-Free Mondays some time ago, but never really got around to following through... I think the new year is the perfect time to implement this simple change to our daily (weekly) life.

5. Law & Order, aka Television as Background Noise
I admit it; the TV is pretty much always on. Not just when Max is up and wanting to watch something, but when he's napping and after he's gone to bed as well. I am working (playing) on my laptop, not even paying attention to the television, yet there it is, advertisers and network execs having their way with my subconsious; background noise that I'm not registering, but that I certainly don't *need* in order to check my Facebook.

6. Getting trapped inside my own head
I have ideas. I have ideas all the time. Within moments of coming up with something, I'm telling myself why it's a bad idea, why it'll never work, why it's not a good idea *for me* I need to take the leap one of these times, and just take the risk. After a lifetime of playing it safe, I don't like where it's gotten me, so I think taking the metaphorical leap is all that's left. I should be my own biggest cheerleader, not my own biggest detractor.

7. Defaulting to the negative
This mostly happens when I'm in a bad mood. Someone (Usually my mom; sorry mom!) will make a suggestion (it could be for anything; what to make for dinner, where to go on a roadtrip, what to buy as a gift for someone... doesn't matter what it is) and I'll automatically shoot it down without giving it a chance. It seems to happen more when I'm in a bad mood (duh) but I really need to put more effort into giving those suggestions a chance before rejecting them outright.

8. Inactivity
I've been half-heartedly working on Couch2FiveK for a while now, and then I got sick over the summer and then surgery and now it's winter, which doesn't help things, but I've got a goal of taking up running. I'm friends with some incredible women who run (including my sister) and even my dad just did his first "real" 5K at Thanksgiving. I've unofficially set my goal first run as the 100th running of the Bay to Breakers in San Francisco, which is a 12km (7.46 miles) race in May.

9. Target
I've gotten better, in that I can walk in and only buy what's on my list (and get out for less than $100) but it's still one of my weaknesses... I can wander the aisles for hours, putting crap that I don't need in my cart. (And yes, I was just there today, but I only got the things on my list, plus one Christmas gift.)

10. Comparing
I am my own person; I need to not compare myself and what I do *constantly,* assuming that what I'm doing works. Sure, the car next to at the stoplight is cleaner... it doesn't make that driver a better person. What works for that guy will not necessarily work for me. I just need to remember that.

11. Excuses
If I want to make things change, I need to change them or make the necessary steps. Not make excuses.

I hope that removing these things/influences/habits from my life will make me happier overall, but who knows? It could absolutely be an example of the grass being greener... only time will tell.

Reverb10 - Wisdom

December 10 – Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

Ooh... this one's difficult to write about. There's a decision I've made this year (WE as a family have made) but I'm not at a place where I can talk about it, and it won't actually come to fruition until next year, so right now, it's all intentions, plans and concepts. There's nothing concrete I can even talk about.
I will say this though; when faced with a decision, don't always dismiss one of the options right off the bat; what seems like the worst possible choice at one point, may gain a whole new sense of "right" with the passage of time.

And to lighten things up a bit, here's a very wise decision I made; not this year, but four years ago today! I married the most amazing man I've ever known; my partner, my teammate, my soulmate, my love.
Happy Anniversary, Jamie! I love you!